…I should be your walking science experiment


I

I had a good friend contact me the other day and their first words were…”i should be your walking experiment..”  so we had a nice back and forth and during the message time it was suggested I add to my blog, so here it is.  The person will be referred to as Matter and I will be….well…Me.

  • MATTER… i should be your walking science experiment

    life in general has been a struggle lately

  • MATTER….i’ve been having health issues and no one can really tell me what is going on
  • ME…what type of issues?
  •  MATTER…..not really sure, I am chewing Xanax like it’s candy for panic attacks, my legs constantly shake for no reason, and i have elevated calcium levels…so we are just on a wait and see type patern for a few more months
  •  ME…whoa…can i ask when this all started?
  •  MATTER….about 4 months ago
     I was doing some exercise and just felt like i was overheating and about to pass out …turned into a real bad sinus infection…and has never really gone away
  • ME…..would you like my objective observation?
  • MATTER…..sure would
  • ME….in the last 4 months you have taken on quite a few changes and with those changes came some pretty hefty responsibilities that typically compound stress.  So what is stress?  It is the mind’s reaction to an alteration of what the brain is wired to compute, status quo for lack of better words….what our typical habit pattern in life tends to be..what we are wired to find acceptable.  This is how it works…regardless of the catalyst…the senses take in information…the brain computes the information….and based on the wiring (the habit patterns we have developed through life) ..the brain sends out signals to the body…(understand we are human animals yes…but first we are really just a jumble of subatomic particles that process information from the universe around us..im sure you remember this from school…or not…)….and here’s where the interesting part happens….those signals are really just sensations that trigger a reaction.  So what is the reaction?  This reaction has one of two possibiliteis….it is either fear based or desire based.  Ooh…its a feeling i do not like…ooh thats bad….ugg…ive got to get away from it…damn im worried about it….shucks…ive got to beat it away.   Or, it is a reaction of desire….ooh…i want this …got to have it…do whatever i have to do to get it.  Both are catalyst for stress…misery for that matter.  Fear…yes you may get away from that dislikable feeling for a bit…but rest assured it will return …maybe not from the same catalyst…but it will return.  Desire…ooh…ive got to have it…I get it…feel good…after a while…no big deal…gotta get more…or something else.  Or even more acute….got to have it…never get it..become obsessed…never get…become mentally ill.   So what am I trying to say here?  Take an objective look at your life…and what is going on in it….what are your fears….what are your desires?   At what level of an acute nature are you reacting to them?  The root of most issues are based on these two things, they really are the basis for all life.  They are the things that define adaptation in the biological world..(if the first organism that made the jump from water to land didn’t fear for its life in some way, or desire some sort of food it saw on land to keep life going…it never would have made the jump).  Ultimately all things boil down to this….it may sound macabe….but it is truth…all of our fears can eventually be boiled down to the fear of death….and all desires can be boiled down to the desire for the continuance of life.  All things…no matter how complex a problem one may think they have.   You can use it like that Kevin Bacon game….ultimately it will boil down to those two things. Life is only as complex as we choose to make it…so…I will let you swallow this for a while…and if you want me to continue…let me know and I’ll shoot you another note… be happy my friend….cause the only other choice is to not be happy…and they are both choices..
  • MATTER……hold please i am still reading…
  • MATTER……you’re right man, ever since I got sick I am completely paranoid of dying, and it has been escalated because of my fear of leaving her alone without me
  • ME…..whatever you health issue, beyond whats going on in your noggin, it is there….accept it for what it is.  Do your best to live a healthy life…the only thing you can control is how you react to the various catalysts that present themselves…moment to moment….so if you want things to get better with your panic attacks…your shaky legs…you have to retrain yourself in the ways you react to things
  • MATTER…..yeah i need to evaluate the exact triggers, and as they come on, I need to manage them with a positve spin rather than the Xanax….the strange thing with it though is as you are well aware of, this is not the first time I have moved, or started a new job, it is the first time I cared enough about a woman who moved with me about her happiness and success, but I have always been a pretty chillaxed person, and now I am almost constantly in a phase of mania
  • ME…..I always tell folks…limit your limitations in life.  What are our two limitations…fear and desire.  Does that mean don’t love your wife…no..not at all.  What that means is….when something comes up that you don’t like…instead of running and trying to get away or even worse push it away with force…accept it for what it is….and roll with the punches…with a smile.  Either way the same result will happen….the catalyst will find its way out of your life….it may take time…but it will.  The same goesfor desire….there is that thing i desire…it may come…it may not….if it does…i will enjoy it while it is here…make the most of it…and when it is gone…well…it is gone.  Limitations are personal…they are not things that are presented to you….limitations are the way you look at things and react to them.  Accept all for what they are…and you are bound to find some relief.
  • MATTER….sports was my best relief for knowing limitations….it was easy to understand I can only do so much out there, even as a positive leader i can only do my own thing, I can’t control others abilities or mistakes
  • ME……so now that you have such a wonderful addition to your life(new wife)….don’t miss out on it by fearing its loss…or its disappointment….enjoy it…cultivate it…it might even stay around a bit longer…
  • MATTER….i agree, i think it is the fact that there is so much care I put forth with her, and responsibility to make her the best life possible, that it may stress me out?
  • ME….it will only stress you out if you expect a return on your investment… i.e. that she be happy…i.e. that your picture for what a best life would be materialize….the best life that you can give her is unconditional love…and this is the best life that you can give yourself as well….with as little expectation and control as possible
  • MATTER…..i like that analogy
  • MATTER…..i know in work there are certain expectations I need to meet.  I used to like that, having a goal, busting through it.  Now that I do not sell anymore those numbers fall on the people I have trained to be like me, maybe that stresses me as well?
  • ME….understand your nature is your nature….your wiring is your wiring…you have been in this mode you describe above for a long time…hence it is part of your wiring.  So of course this could provide stress….but jump out in third person and become the scientist and put your I in a petri dish….and observe with the most objective of mind…what it is that I is reacting to….what fears…what desires…and remember a scientist is very detailed in nature…to the nth degree..
    .
  • MATTER…..when i go home tonight i am going to start writing all my stresses, and see how i can control, or better manage them

    i think that may be a decent starting point

  • ME….a great starting point…remember the only thing you can control is you…

I know there was a lot going on there, and a lot to digest.  The whole point of this experiment is to get the reader to take a look at themselves.  Take a deep look at what exactly drives each one of you to do what you do, and honestly see the reality of your nature, your fears, your desires, and the acute nature of how these things cause so much of the suffering you experience in life.  The ability to take responsibility for this nature, this suffering and make a change in yourself.  These things I say to my friend, they are not things that I read in a book, they are not things that I learned from some teacher or higher being, they are things that I was fortunate enough to observe once I took a step outside of …ME…and became the scientist looking into the petri dish of…ME.   Don’t let your “ME”….blind you from the truth….for that is certainly its nature…often like a very irresponsible little child….always looking for blame beyond the …”ME”.

I wish you all great success in your adventure in life….and finding the peace and happiness that it can offer…..for the experience is there….its just how you choose to go about it.  Be happy!!!

An observation…


Today I had a moment with my 5-year-old that presented and opportunity to observe “who am I”.  Funny how often this little bundle of joy helps present such opportunities….hence why I so often refer to her as my “little light.”

I was feeling a bit out of it this Saturday morning, kind of in a “woke up on the wrong side of the bed” type morning.  Pam had to work in the morning and it was just my daughter and I.  During the morning, she had lots of plans and requests for dad and to say the least, considering how i felt, the morning was becoming a tall order.  I worked through it, a little grumpy yes, but I was able to fulfil my duty!  Then it was bath time…always some back and forth here… “but dad!!!!”…is a very common phrase that tickles my eardrum often daily.  Okay, we got through that and go downstairs.  The typical progression after this, is that we get her dressed and brush out her hair….but today was a little different.  She told me…”dad…I want to pick out what i wear…and dress myself…”   Hey, that’s fine with me…independence is good…so I said “no problem…but I still have to brush out your hair..”  and she agreed.  About 20 minutes later, here comes little bella ballerina dressed in a tu tu.  She sits down to have her hair brushed and asks if I can put it up like a ballerina.  Of course, the way I was feeling, inside I am going ugh and working on a way to talk her out of it, and so I say “how about being a long hair ballerina and having a long hair ballet?”  She proceeds to tell me that she wants to be a professional ballerina and they do not wear their hair long, they only wear it up!  “Please, Please, Please dad, I’m begging you….”  and that’s when it happened, my moment, as I agreed to put her hair up like a ballerina.  Third person kicked in, the scientist appeared….and I was observing what was going on…in my mind…in my demeanor…how i was feeling…how i was reacting towards that feeling….and mostly what it was that made me agree to do her hair.  Was it guilt?  Was it love?  Was it both?  Well, at first I believe it was guilt…how can i say no to “please please please…i’m begging”..?  Yet, upon having that brief moment to look at myself objectively, I was able to observe just how fickle the mind can be and how easily it can be swayed and of course how easy it is to fall into a undesireable state of mind.

Something that I have come to understand is how there is such a fine line between love and guilt  when it comes to sharing moments with others.  In this example, I mentioned phrases such as “fulfill my duty”, “made it through”, “the morning was a “tall order”,…all of these phrases lead me to believe it was in guilt that I was “making it through the day,”  as I was so self-absorbed in how miserable I felt, that I almost missed out on such an awesome opportunity to have some special time with my little lady.

My point is, you have a choice.  If you have something you have to do for someone, either way… the outcome is the same… whether you do it out of love or out of guilt (I’ll feel bad if I don’t).  The only difference is how it affects you.  When you do something out of guilt, you (although it doesn’t appear that way), are being self absorbed…you are “doing” due to one of two things, either fear (i don’t like the feeling if I don’t do it) or desire (they better appreciate this…i better get something out of this)…both of which are bound to bring you stress and discontent.  Now doing something out of love….well…that is selfless….you let go of all of those expectations and controls that take grip on you as you do deeds for others.  Sure, easier said then done, but next time you have someone to buy a gift for, that birthday present that you have to get by that weekend for a friend, or if you are feeling out of sorts and your daughter asks you to do her hair like a ballerina, take a step back…you scientist you….and observe that feeling that comes up…is it…omg..ugg…i’ve gotta go get so and so a birthday present….or ugg…lets just do it the easy way sweet heart?  Whatever the feeling is, guess what…”I” (you)can turn it around…let go of how it is inconvenient for “me”…. how “I” am too stressed out…how “I” am too tired…and say to yourself this isn’t about the “I”…let go of the “I” and focus on the good you are bringing to “them” and i promise, a different energy will come about, a different way of feeling, when you can just let go of all of that “I” stuff and just enjoy that moment and be happy about all of the good you bring to another…and remember…be objective….for often times, that fine line is crossed in the mind and you may think you are doing out of love…but really you are doing out of guilt….a true scientist can tell the difference.

Well…that’s all for now…lots of happiness and peace to you.