Today I had a moment with my 5-year-old that presented and opportunity to observe “who am I”. Funny how often this little bundle of joy helps present such opportunities….hence why I so often refer to her as my “little light.”
I was feeling a bit out of it this Saturday morning, kind of in a “woke up on the wrong side of the bed” type morning. Pam had to work in the morning and it was just my daughter and I. During the morning, she had lots of plans and requests for dad and to say the least, considering how i felt, the morning was becoming a tall order. I worked through it, a little grumpy yes, but I was able to fulfil my duty! Then it was bath time…always some back and forth here… “but dad!!!!”…is a very common phrase that tickles my eardrum often daily. Okay, we got through that and go downstairs. The typical progression after this, is that we get her dressed and brush out her hair….but today was a little different. She told me…”dad…I want to pick out what i wear…and dress myself…” Hey, that’s fine with me…independence is good…so I said “no problem…but I still have to brush out your hair..” and she agreed. About 20 minutes later, here comes little bella ballerina dressed in a tu tu. She sits down to have her hair brushed and asks if I can put it up like a ballerina. Of course, the way I was feeling, inside I am going ugh and working on a way to talk her out of it, and so I say “how about being a long hair ballerina and having a long hair ballet?” She proceeds to tell me that she wants to be a professional ballerina and they do not wear their hair long, they only wear it up! “Please, Please, Please dad, I’m begging you….” and that’s when it happened, my moment, as I agreed to put her hair up like a ballerina. Third person kicked in, the scientist appeared….and I was observing what was going on…in my mind…in my demeanor…how i was feeling…how i was reacting towards that feeling….and mostly what it was that made me agree to do her hair. Was it guilt? Was it love? Was it both? Well, at first I believe it was guilt…how can i say no to “please please please…i’m begging”..? Yet, upon having that brief moment to look at myself objectively, I was able to observe just how fickle the mind can be and how easily it can be swayed and of course how easy it is to fall into a undesireable state of mind.
Something that I have come to understand is how there is such a fine line between love and guilt when it comes to sharing moments with others. In this example, I mentioned phrases such as “fulfill my duty”, “made it through”, “the morning was a “tall order”,…all of these phrases lead me to believe it was in guilt that I was “making it through the day,” as I was so self-absorbed in how miserable I felt, that I almost missed out on such an awesome opportunity to have some special time with my little lady.
My point is, you have a choice. If you have something you have to do for someone, either way… the outcome is the same… whether you do it out of love or out of guilt (I’ll feel bad if I don’t). The only difference is how it affects you. When you do something out of guilt, you (although it doesn’t appear that way), are being self absorbed…you are “doing” due to one of two things, either fear (i don’t like the feeling if I don’t do it) or desire (they better appreciate this…i better get something out of this)…both of which are bound to bring you stress and discontent. Now doing something out of love….well…that is selfless….you let go of all of those expectations and controls that take grip on you as you do deeds for others. Sure, easier said then done, but next time you have someone to buy a gift for, that birthday present that you have to get by that weekend for a friend, or if you are feeling out of sorts and your daughter asks you to do her hair like a ballerina, take a step back…you scientist you….and observe that feeling that comes up…is it…omg..ugg…i’ve gotta go get so and so a birthday present….or ugg…lets just do it the easy way sweet heart? Whatever the feeling is, guess what…”I” (you)can turn it around…let go of how it is inconvenient for “me”…. how “I” am too stressed out…how “I” am too tired…and say to yourself this isn’t about the “I”…let go of the “I” and focus on the good you are bringing to “them” and i promise, a different energy will come about, a different way of feeling, when you can just let go of all of that “I” stuff and just enjoy that moment and be happy about all of the good you bring to another…and remember…be objective….for often times, that fine line is crossed in the mind and you may think you are doing out of love…but really you are doing out of guilt….a true scientist can tell the difference.
Well…that’s all for now…lots of happiness and peace to you.